A man walks into a bar and says to the
bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can
bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah,
right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the
man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty
dollars and the man walks away. He comes back
half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty
dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the
bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I
just saw you walk in here -- you can't be
blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites
his left eye. The bartender pays him his money
and he walks away.
Three guys were talking in the local fun bar. The
manager was so sure that its bouncer was the
strongest man around that it offered a
standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into
a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the
customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more
drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck
drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all
had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella
with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the
bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord
said that it was only fair that the man be given
a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and
started squeezing. Once he was done he handed
the remains to the little man who promptly
squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord
handed over the prize and asked "What do you do
for a living that has given you such strength?
Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No"
the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A drunk phoned police to report
that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police
investigation could start, the phone rang a
second time with the same voice came over the
line.
"Never mind," he said with a
hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A police officer pulls over this
guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I
need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a
really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the
station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If
I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I
am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get
really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and
walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A man bought a new Mercedes to
celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on
the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he
decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up
to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a
Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her
up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What am I
doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his
license without a word and examined it and the
car.
"It's been a long hard day, this
is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need
the frustration or the overtime, so if you can
give me a really good excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a
second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to
give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the
officer.
A drunk walks into a bar and
notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask
bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see
that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk
looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The
bartender says "if you can knock him out with
one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a
room containing an alligator with a sore tooth.
If you can pull his tooth and come out alive,
you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty
year old hooker's apartment. She has never been
satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her,
you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a
double shot of whiskey. He belts that down,
walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the
big dude out. He orders another double, belts it
down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes
the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender
and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then
total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk
walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded.
He orders another double, drinks it and says
"o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
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